I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
