you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
