after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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