Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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