I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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