dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
