i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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