OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
