I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
