I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
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