idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
