My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
How does one acquire holy water?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
