Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
