remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
