just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
