JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize