I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
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