awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
