I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
