We won't sleep together?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
