I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
you never un-have a 4some
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
