Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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