I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Randomize
