your parents love me but you hate me
i think my tv is drunk
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
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