It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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