He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
