we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
