woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Randomize
