i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
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