just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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