Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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