I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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