grandma shit on top of the toilet
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
