Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
this just has baby written all over it
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
