proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
