Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize