Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
