Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
There's always time for handjobs
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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