He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
