well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
