you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
