I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
