I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
