I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
