Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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