i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Is Oprah even human
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
