No awkward lesbian experiences without me
it was like his penis was on wheels.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
