Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
