I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
