I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I wish they made helmets for livers.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
you didnt know i had herpes?
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
So many bounce houses so little time
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
