Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
