I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
they need to just BURY HIM!
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
