My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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