There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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