I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
