Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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