when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
