I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
