Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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