im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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