Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Im just a social blackout drinker.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
