I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
