the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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