Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
