This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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