Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
